Teens. Are they really complicated? Honestly, as a mom to a teen boy, sometimes yes. Mainly because I don’t know what these one-word answers mean. Can I get some elaboration? But when you really talk to your kids and know them, you know that you are their safe space. Being their safe space can be frustrating at times because sometimes you get the brunt of the emotions, but in the end, I’d like to think it will be worth it. As parents we all, me included, need to do a better job about setting real expectations on their health.
Not talking to your kids is not helping anyone. It doesn’t help them to not have any real information or have any idea about the changes in their bodies. Remember how traumatized Carrie (i.e. Stephen King) was when she started her period? Yeah, let’s try to avoid that.
We Gotta Talk About It…
…so, let’s just talk about it. Obviously, we have to talk about sex so let’s just start here. A common misconception is that teens are going to have sex if you talk about it with them. I know it’s not the most comfortable topic to discuss with your kids, but wouldn’t you rather your kids get the RIGHT information from you instead of their friends? Listen, I have a mom that was super open about sex and what can happen and even though I was like “Mooooommmm!” at the time, I whole heartedly appreciate it now. Between her and sex education in school, I was good on the information given. One thing teens want from us adults is to be honest about sex. So as much as we hope, the days of saying “You just need to avoid sex” aren’t really realistic. We should be teaching SAFETY if they do become sexually active.
Teens I am talking to you now. I know that there are so many stressors and pressure over when you should have sex, etc. It is not up to your friends. It is up to you. You really need to be mentally ready for that and not jump into something just to fit in. Literally no one knows unless you tell them and it is okay to say “No” if you are not ready. A lot of the time your friends are lying and haven’t actually done all the things they are telling you. But if you do become sexually active, please protect yourselves. Wear condoms! I cannot stress this enough. As you know, you have the risk of getting pregnant or getting someone pregnant. Are you ready for that responsibility of another person emotionally, physically, financially? For more than 18 years? Most likely, that answer is no. Additionally, you risk yourself getting a sexually transmitted infection (STI) and not all of them are curable. Too many times, I hear teens be so ‘lax about how chlamydia or herpes is common so it’s fine. Before you even get to that stage with someone you need to make sure there are no STIs coming to the party. And do not take your partners’ word for it. You need to see the actual lab report yourself. If you are considering getting intimate with your partner whether orally or intercourse you both should get tested for STIs.
How do you get tested? Your primary care provider can test you for STIs. Getting tested for STIs and starting birth control are actually things you can do to protect yourself without your parents’ consent. No, I am not encouraging you to hide, but again it is better to protect yourself than to come home and tell your parents you have some STI or you’re pregnant or got someone pregnant right? Let’s be preventive here.
As hard as it is, if you have an STI, you need to be forthcoming with that information to your partner(s). That information shouldn’t really be kept to yourself and in some areas, it is illegal to knowingly not share that information with potential partners especially if you continue not to use condoms and pass it to someone else.
It is also beneficial for you to be aware of the potential outcomes if you continue to have STIs or untreated STIs. It can be no joke.
For women, an untreated STI can lead to pelvic inflammatory disease (PID), infertility, cervical cancer, and infections to infants born to a mother with an untreated STI. If you have been treated for an STI, you need to avoid any sexual activity for at least a week after treatment. You also need to make sure that your partner is treated. You can get reinfected with STIs such as gonorrhea, chlamydia, etc. if you have sex before you are both adequately treated. And you can get these STIs in other places depending on your sexual activity, meaning you can get these STIs in your mouth or anus. Not just the penis and vagina.
For men, an untreated STI can lead to testicular pain and infertility.
Common Myths: The Lies You Tell
“You can’t get pregnant from one time.”
Don’t be fooled. Yes, you can. You can get pregnant from one time. You can get pregnant with the pull-out method—this is NOT a reliable method. If someone cannot respect your request to wear a condom because “It’s not comfortable” then they don’t need to be sleeping with you or anyone.
“I will get blue balls!”
Yeah, that’s not a thing. They will be alright. If you say no, it needs to be respected. No sympathy votes here.
You need to go to the GYN now that you are sexually active.
It was common back in the day that once you became sexually active you HAD to go to the gynecologist. It was also said that you had to get a pap smear (cervical cancer screening) once you were sexually active. This is not true. You can get the same treatments/education at your general practice and cervical cancer screening does not start until age 21 regardless of if you are sexually active before this age. Your medical care does not change at your primary care vs. seeing a GYN just because you are sexually active.
“Everybody is Doing It”
I don’t know how else to explain this besides saying it is so not reality. Everyone is not doing it. That person who is really elaborate with their experiences are most likely over playing what they actually have done.
“No means no” is only for women
No. Just like I have told my son, if he ever encounters this situation and says no and the person is persisting…his no is a no. Males can also be manipulated and pressured.
What About My Periods?
Please refer to my previous posts regarding normal/abnormal periods (here). What I failed to mention in those posts are that puberty and periods can be affected if you are in vigorous sports. You could be a 16 year that hasn’t shown any signs of puberty and hasn’t gotten your period and that doesn’t mean that something is wrong with you necessarily. Sometimes it can be the release of testosterone with sports that is hindering your period from starting. It can also be a factor of anorexia which is commonly misconstrued as someone who does not eat at all. Anorexia is technically when someone is not taking in the right intake for their body due to vigorous activity or even illness. It does not necessarily mean the mental disorder (eating disorder).
Know Your History
It is important for you to know your family’s medical history and parents it is really important to teach your kids their family medical history and how to go to the doctor alone. Before we realize it, our teens will be adults in the real world that may need to get medical care. They need to know how to fill out forms, what the forms are for, and know their medical history once they get to that point. I started by having my oldest watch me fill out his medical forms and answer questions from his provider at his physicals around 9 or 10 years old, he is 15 now. Does he have all the information memorized? No. Does he still look to me to answer for him? Yes, but I don’t. I let him know, it is your body and you need to explain what you need and what is going on that you want addressed. Trust me, he is still 4 lbs 2 oz in my eyes, but I also know that he is going to college in two short years and needs to learn how to make decisions and speak for himself.
Usually around age 13 or 14, the provider might start to kick your parents out of the room during your physical. This isn’t to keep secrets from your parents or to secretly gather information to tell your parents. View this as time for you to start answering/asking questions and build your own trust with your provider once you hit adulthood.
Parents: When Should You Talk to Your Kids?
As I have said before, I think it is a good idea to sit and talk with your kids around 8 or 9 years old just to inform them about the changes that are coming in their bodies; not necessarily a sex talk yet. Around this age you may notice that your child is more emotional and it is hard for them to describe how they are feeling. Remember this is new to them as well and they honestly may not even know why or realize that they are showing anger or impulsive behavior as the tween years creep up on them.
Teens be patient with your parents; we still see you all as our babies that we had to constantly protect. It is a transition for us to let you have more independence and for you it is a transition to have more independence and responsibility. Remember there has to be trust there to gain independence.
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